As I grew older I felt that this was wrong and I feared the shame of being caught. Nevertheless I continued to dress as completely as possible at every opportunity that I could find. There was not an article of lingerie, dresses, hosiery, shoes or make up that escaped me and as I grew older the desire to dress as a girl became an obsession. I became quite preoccupied with thoughts and dreams of being a girl, I envied every girl friend and even had crushes on the mothers of my friends especially if they were the kind of a woman I'd like to be. I sought the company of girls (maids, girl friends, mothers) constantly. I wanted them to love me as a girl . . . not as a boy. I loved to watch movies with Jean Harlow, Norma Shearer and Alice Faye fantasizing myself wearing their breathtaking gowns. . . And as I grew of age all of this activity, of course, would end in masturbation because dressing had become an erotic thing for me. I became quite preoccupied with thoughts of dressing and dreaming that I was a girl with the result that my studies suffered and my efforts to do things that other boys do increased. I don't feel that I ever had the same feelings towards girls that they had. I wanted more than anything to be a girl and to be loved as a girl. It was when they wore what-I-wanted-to-look-like that they would attract me. If I knew what I knew today, I am sure that I would have wanted a sex change operation and would have fought to obtain one. Today I would, if I could bring it about, like to go "full time” as a guy dressed like a woman. I tend to move in that direction but slowly. . .ever so slowly. Most of all, it would mean that my children accept me in that role. I've undertaken psychotherapy for more than two years, have received estrogens under a physician's care for one year and am having my facial hair removed by electrolysis. It is a start and a way to finding out the answer as to whether I shall be happier in one role or in two. I don't have a crystal ball so I'll get back to my story.

At the ripe age of 12 I think my family sensed that I was not quite right, or else they couldn't cope with me, so they sent me away to a boarding school which was full of discipline. I adored my English teacher-a girl-and also some of the master's wives. Athletically I felt that I had to prove myself and became quite proficient at swimming and soccer. . .often over aggressive. However when it came to physical, personal self-defense I fought exactly like a girl, completely terrified of the whole thing because I felt that way. (It's difficult to describe this verbally).

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